It started about 3 months ago and it was kind of like a deep pain in my heart and there was a crying – an incessant, non-stop crying inside my head, inside my entire body. I tried to talk to it, to calm it down and to see what it wanted, but it kept going.
The crying wouldn’t stop and it started to piss me off.
I became angry, but the crying was still there. I got depressed, but the crying was still there. I became anxious, I screamed at her, “What the fuck do you want? I’m doing the best that I can!” but she got louder and the crying did not stop. I tried to sit with her in meditation, there was some progress, we became friends – but the crying did not stop.
So, I meditated with her some more. My heart softened and I saw her innocence, her playfulness, her cheekiness, her love of nature and animals; I told her she was beautiful and amazing (because she was) and she beamed back at me. That morning the crying stopped, but by afternoon it was back.
Yesterday was a good day – I wrote and meditated and drank chai and walked in nature did all the things I love to do. At the end of the day I was back at where I’m staying and it was while washing the dishes that the crying erupted and I fell apart. I broke down on the kitchen floor, then I crawled my way to bed and broke down some more while curled up there.
While washing the dishes I remembered something awful. I have many memories that are awful, but this one drove me to the floor. It was time.
I can reason my way through this break down – it’s mercury retrograde and there’s been an eclipse that only occurs every 29 years (I’m no astrologer, but I read about it) and apparently the things of 29 years ago can return to be dealt with. Maybe it will just pass with mercury, maybe.
But yesterday something broke. The crying that had been welling up for 3 months (and 43 years) finally erupted to the surface and I let it all spill out on the kitchen floor. I allowed myself to break and I rubbed my heart and said, “I love you, I love you,” then, “That was awful and scary and you are safe now. It’s ok to be soft, it’s ok to cry. You are loved, you are loved.”
This morning a dear friend said to me that ‘the past is in the past’ and to let it go, but the thing is that we are made of the past and the present and the future. It’s all here, now. The past is in my cells, it’s in my walk, my talk, my appearance and my current circumstances – the past has brought me to here, now. Three months of inner crying was the sound of the past desperate to be heard, acknowledged and loved. She had no voice other than the crying and she needed to be soothed.
Today I feel raw and fragile and I am choosing to stand with my past today because its time to listen to her and give her the love, acknowledgment and compassion she so desperately longed for many years ago. I need to move forward and get on with my life of course, but I know I first need to deal with what is coming up for me now in order to do that. The past has returned for a reason and ignoring that will be repeating a decades-old pattern.
In falling apart we break down the false-self barriers that we created to ‘get through life’, and allow more light to shine on our true selves that lay beneath the rubble. Give yourself permission to fall apart. Fall apart.
If the past is knocking on your door be sure to not leave the door open too long as dwelling on the past wont break down the barriers; but if the past has returned then open the door to let in the light and to deal with what has arisen. It has returned for a reason and it comes with an offering of healing because you are ready, now.
If your past is seemingly back for good it may be best to go seek some professional help – there are some really great counselors out there.
Keep stepping forward (sometimes very gently), Sam